You Are What You Think
“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.”
Have you ever noticed that sometimes when we feel unhappy with something about our life, our first reaction is to change something on the outside? We miss out on that promotion at work so we might start online shopping or reaching for something sweet to take the edge off.
While those actions aren’t wrong per se - and goodness knows, I’ve had more than my fair share of times with Ben & Jerrys and happily enjoyed it- they can only go so far in making us feel better. The real crux to changing how we feel about something that has happened, is to look inwards and change our thoughts.
Eckhart Tolle says that ‘If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place’. I totally agree AND I’d go further to say that we shouldn’t rely on ‘ifs’ but we must CHOOSE to get the inside right.
Choosing to get the inside right (whatever ‘right’ for each of us means) takes hard work and perseverance on our part, but it can be done.
To help, I’ve boiled it down to 5 steps below:
1) BECOME AWARE OF OUR THOUGHTS
Becoming aware of the thoughts we have and observing them as they flit in and out is the first step. Observing allows us to catch what thoughts run on repeat that we may not be actively conscious of, and to more intentionally determine whether the thought is supportive or limiting.
We can have upto 60,000 thoughts in a day. Studies have shown that a whooping 85% of our thoughts are negative and of those, 95% are repetitive.
So science confirms, that most of us, whether we are aware of it or not, have the same, negative or limiting thoughts swirling around our minds stuck on repeat. Not good!
2) SEPARATE OUR THOUGHTS FROM FACT
It may seem obvious but just because we think a thought, it does not make that thought factually correct!
But some thoughts very often feel like fact, because we have thought them so often and so repeatedly that over time, they begin to feel like reality.
Why is this the case? Psychologist John Arden, says that “The more you do something, the more likely it is that you will do it again in the future. Repetition rewires the brain and breeds habits”.
This is how repeated thoughts become deep rooted beliefs. And those beliefs define who we are and how we see the world.
3) UNDERSTAND THE CONNECTION BETWEEN OUR THOUGHTS, OUR FEELINGS & OUR BEHAVIOURS
What we think has a direct correlation to how we feel. And how we feel affects how we behave or act.
So if we’re on our way to attend an event and we:
THINK - ‘I’m really not looking forward to this event, I don’t think I’m dressed right and I hate talking to people at parties, I never seem to have anything interesting to say’
FEEL - Then we are probably going to feel nervous, worried, perhaps even a little afraid.
BEHAVE - Because we feel these emotions, we may walk into the event eyes down, projecting low confidence and looking for the darkest corner to hide in.
RESULT - Which might make it more difficult for us to spot a friendly face and start a conversation.
Or how about the old saying you may have grown up with
THINK - “If I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all
FEEL - So we feel like we should bottle up anything that bothers us because it isn’t nice or polite to share, this may cause us to feel frustrated, conflicted or confused. It may make us feel that our emotion about something isn’t worthy. Or that we need to be thinking nice, positive thoughts all day long.
BEHAVE - We shove down our emotions and perhaps miss the opportunity to share some feedback or have a productive conversation.
RESULT - We avoid the real issue and paper over the cracks, possibly resulting in an eruption later down the line
It’s worth noting that this also works the other way too. Thinking positively can change how we feel for the better. Let’s go back to the event example.
THOUGHT - I’m not looking forward to this event but I’m on the way now and I’m sure I’ll find my mojo once I’m there. I know events like these can make me nervous, but I’m sure there will be other people thinking the same thing. I wonder who I might meet this evening…
FEEL - This train of thought may encourage us to feel a bit more hopeful and more open to the possibility of engaging and enjoying ourself.
BEHAVE - The thought that other people may be nervous too might give us the confidence to catch the eye of someone else looking a bit uncomfortable and start a conversation.
RESULT - We may end up enjoying the evening and not feeling as nervous before the next one.
4) CREATE A MOMENT OF PAUSE BETWEEN THOUGHT & ACTION/ BEHAVIOUR
All that’s great to know but how do we move towards becoming more in control of our thoughts?
One of the most powerful things we can do is train ourselves to pause between our thought and the action we take because of it. Our thoughts fly in and out so fast, so that is much easier said than done.
Practising mindfulness and meditation is one of the best ways to train our minds to pause - giving us that moment to evaluate how best to act, rather than emotionally reacting. The more we practice calming our mind with meditation, over time, the better able we become at calming our mind during times of stress or high emotion.
5) CHOOSE WHAT THOUGHT TO HAVE
If we can practice and successfully learn to create the pause, then we realise we have the glorious power of CHOOSING what thought to have next.
We can intentionally choose the thought that’s best for us in that particular moment.
That’s not at all to say we must always choose a happy, positive thought. But simply, to be more aware that what we think will impact how we feel and we may act.
Knowing we have the power to choose what happens next can be extremely freeing and empowering.
The connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviour sits at the heart of my coaching approach at The Inner Work. I love arming people with the knowledge to better understand themselves and create more awareness of the deep rooted thoughts and beliefs they may currently be beholden to.
If you would like to explore some of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours please take a look at my coaching packages here - https://www.innerworkcoach.co.uk/life-coaching
